Eggs, Bacon and Sausage
by Sargent 6111
Summary: The latest instalment of the story of the hitchickers guide to the galaxy. Zaphod steals some deoderant, Ford and Arthur discovers some intelligent cheese and Trillian has a snordalglax for a husband.
1. Chapter 1

**Eggs, Bacon and Sausage**

**Chapter 1 **

Many stories start with some perfectly normal person strolling down the street doing some perfectly normal activity like walking down a street or eating some cheese, other stories start with their main characters in some kind of predicament like being shot at by some alien or murderer. However this starts with a man with an incredibly bad dress sense, three arms and two heads, at this moment was being chased up a mountain track on Philphodal VI towards his stolen starship the 'Heart of Gold.' This man is of course the former galactic president Zaphod Beeblebrox he had been spending the last month with the king of the jatravarties who are the only species in the universe to be unique in the fact that they are the only species to invent the aerosol deodorant before the wheel. Zaphod had decided on his final day to steal the kings prized aerosol deodorant and so he naturally was now being chased by the king's top poisonous deodorant spraying robots.

Zaphod predictably made it back to his ship and took off attempting to find his companions Trillian, Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent. Ford and Arthur were in fact on a planet that was so remote and unknown it didn't even have a name, however it did have several alien species from giant slugs to intelligent 8 foot human eating wolves. It was this very planet that Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent were current on and also these wolves that were surrounding them attempting to cook them and at them to their delicious lunch of human schnitzel. As usual Arthur Dent was panicking almost hysterically and Ford Prefect was as usual being very difficult not helping calm Arthur's worries about being eaten in a schnitzel. This is mainly because all the ways of calming his nerves were at this time impossible.

"Go away!" Arthur screamed, "I don't taste very good I've g-g-gone off by now!"

"Shut up Arthur you're wasting your time!" Ford screamed back as they back up into a wall trying to escape the wolves' clutches. The wolves moved closer and closer and the two men closed their eyes, suddenly the two heard a rip in their clothes and the feeling of being hoisted up towards the heavens. Within moments the two felt solid ground between their feet and the two dared to open one eye, they were in a white spaceship bridge with a fish tank in one corner, in another a computer and at the front the spaceship controls with a man with long, brown straggly hair who both men instantly recognised as Ford's cousin Zaphod Beeblebrox. Both men opened their other eye and removed whatever had pulled them up in their clothes which just so happened to be a hook.

"Hi Ford, Hi Earthman" said Zaphod.

"Zaphod!" said Ford smiling, "thank you for introducing me to a new experience."

"What's that Ford?"

"Being pleased to see you" Ford continued.

"You tore my dressing down!" Arthur moaned.

"I can put you back monkey man" Zaphod replied.

"Shut up Zaphod lets find Trillian" Arthur said continuing to moan.

"For once" Zaphod replied, "I'm with you"

"Let's do this!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 **

'_The Snordalglaxians of Snordalglaxia are irritating creatures whose minds and activities stray from eating and war. Their planet is a green slimy hovel on the far reaches of the galaxy which is distinguishable by the very tall methane volcanoes which cause the planet to have an incredibly foul odour which can be smelt from approximately three systems away. The war staged by the Snordalglaxians against the other inhabitants of their planet using very deadly and frankly smelly. Their meals will regularly include giant slugs, three million mouldy chips and a very, very large glass of turnip juice. The king of the Snordalglaxians Bedevere XIX was well known for his love of shooting poor people of both his race and others on his planet and would regularly go out with his best soldiers for an afternoon shooting poor people. On his birthday the king would go out shooting entire days shooting entire cites compared to the village on a normal day. The king would also regularly eat a meal that consists of slugs, turnip wine and several million cowpats; these of course gave him terrible breath and wind which of course deeply annoyed his new wife one of the only remaining humans: Tricia McMillan.'_

Trillian had been for the last month feeling pretty dreadful because of her marriage to king Snordalglax Bedevere XIX, she was mainly annoyed because it was custom for the king of Snordalglaxia to regularly break wind, burp and vomit and as you can imagine for a women like Trillian, it would be very irritating to wake up smelling like a cowpat and to find her hair covered in sick and as she woke up this morning she found herself in the very same circumstances. Trillian swore between her teeth as she turned around to see her husband wake up, he waddled up to Trillian and kissed her in the traditional fashion of spitting on her. Trillian unfortunately couldn't do anything about this because without an escape she would be imprisoned so instead she would dream about what would happen if her friends and daughter returned and whisked her away on a fantastic adventure. Even Marvin's grumpy tone would be more interesting than spending time with the king.

Trillian heard a large sound of crumbling brick and so turned around; she saw a big hole in the wall that as she looked stood up and examined closer could easily fit a Marvin through it. Trillian's hopes rose instantly thinking she would be whisked away on the Heart of Gold again. Trillian turned around in response to another loud noise to see Marvin casually and grumpily walk through her wall.

"Marvin" said Trillian excited to see her favourite grumpy robot.

"I didn't like the first hole so I thought I should make another one and try and enjoy that" Marvin replied grumpily.

"And did you?" Trillian asked.

"No" Marvin moaned, "I think I might have wasted enough time so I think we should get back to Zaphod and the others."

"Here" Marvin said holding up his right hand which was holding a gun, "Zaphod said to take this to defend yourself because you probably need to run"

"Why can't you run Marvin?" Trillian asked.

"Because I can't be bothered" Marvin replied a Trillian ran outside through Marvin's first hole in the wall.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Trillian reached the Heart of Gold easily within minutes and hugged the three boys instantly. Meanwhile the paranoid android was slowly and grumpily trudging towards the ship and as normal he talking to himself very pessimistically. "Life" he moaned, "Loath it or ignore it, you can't like it"

"Halt!"

Marvin stopped moaning stopped moaning and looked in the direction of the voice,

A tall green Snordalglaxian guard stood towering over Marvin, "You have stolen the Queen we demand you return her."

"You mean the hole in wall?" Marvin asked, "you can fix that, the queen ran away of her own free will you know"

"Maybe but the king wants her to come back and I'm sure see does but more importantly he wants his prized deodorant back" the guard replied.

"No I don't have it" answered Marvin, "and she frankly hates him and wants to this to him."

"What?"

"This" Marvin raised his hand and shot the guard dead," what a waste of time" he groaned.

Suddenly transporter energy surrounded Marvin and he was beamed aboard the Heart of Gold which was already in orbit.

"So you couldn't be bothered to wait for me so you had to beam me up" Marvin complained.

"Nice to see you two Marvin" Arthur said sarcastically.

The heart of gold flew through space at getaway speeds, "Zaphod!" Trillian shouted, "Why are going so fast?"

"Because kid the king wants you back and we are being chased!" Zaphod screamed back. Laser fire began to attack the ship and Zaphod began to attempt to dodge the fire. "Computer!" he shouted, "activate the infinite improbability drive!"

"Negative, not possible" the computer replied.

"Oh bloody hell!" Arthur said walking over to where he knew the manual infinite improbability drive button was and pressed it. The room was filled with bright rainbow coloured light for a moment and then disappeared, our four companions regained conscious and got up of the floor looking for what had happened to the ship. As on Magrathea the ship's bridge was again covered in trees and bright gold ribbons.

Zaphod looked towards Arthur Dent with a confused expression on his face, "How the hell did you do that Earthman?" Zaphod asked.

"Pressed the manual button to the flipping improbability drive you muppet" Arthur replied angrily. "Oh yeh" Zaphod said remembering it from Magrathea, "It was nothing."

"Well obviously wasn't 'nothing' Zaphod as you weren't able to think of the button were you."

"So what did the ships become computer?" Ford asked.

The computer began buzzing, "A tangerine and banana" the computer replied.

Arthur looked towards Ford with a awkward face, "Right…." they said.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

As an author to a book it would be custom to keep for your readers informed about the current state of the characters and their feelings, however on the Heart of Gold if I said our heroes were feeling the same as usual you could quite easily guess that Ford was considering his research for the revised edition of the guide, Zaphod was busy admiring himself and insulting Arthur, Arthur was busy ranting at Zaphod and Trillian was busy trying to get Arthur and Zaphod to stop having a go at each other. As you can imagine except for Trillian everyone was feeling the same as usual but in particular Arthur was incredibly annoyed with Zaphod for refusing to find his and Trillian's daughter Random Dent, Trillian was (together with Arthur) arguing with Zaphod to find her daughter who she and Arthur knew would by now be in a slight predicament.

"Kid she'll fine" Zaphod said trying to be reassuring.

"Shut up Zaphod," Arthur bellowed before turning to Trillian, "can you fly this ship Trillian?"

"Sure" Trillian replied.

Arthur walked towards Zaphod, glared at him for a minute and punched him in the face.

Zaphod woke up about an hour later on what he assumed was a radiator with a splitting headache. Zaphod remembered a similar headache from when he was set upon by a herd of charging elephants from the planet earth after being misinformed by a king of mars that elephants were a friendly creature and he wanted one as a pet. Zaphod was so confident that he could take one for the king he decided to take one for himself, the last thing Zaphod remembered was being hit by an elephant and passing out. Waking up two days later Zaphod found himself tied to table about to be experimented on my an American scientist to aid in the second world war. The story according to Zaphod was that he broke from his chains and escaped to Betelgeuse and flew away on a spaceship he build from parts in the secret building which he was held. In reality, his chains weren't fastened properly and there was already a spaceship that had been recovered by the humans in the desert. The truth is Zaphod had extreme difficult even starting the ignition.

"Where are the elephants?" Zaphod asked dazed, "Where's the scientist?"

"Shut up Zaphod" said Arthur who sat at the controls.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"To get Random" Trillian replied who was also sat at the controls, "where is she exactly though?"

"Oh! She's surrounded by 8 foot tall wolves on Andromeda" Zaphod answered.

"How the hell do you know that!" Ford asked angrily.

Zaphod gulped, "I errmm…. Kind of put her there."

Trillian walked over to the kitchen and after a loud clanging of metal returned with a large frying pan.

"Kid what you doing with that?" Zaphod asked.

Trillian remained silent and walking up to Zaphod whacked him hard on the head with the pan knocking him out. "Oh Drat!" as his head hit the radiator as he passed out again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Zaphod woke up again with a splitting headache and instantly began swearing under his breath. He felt behind him and found out his chains were untied. Zaphod got up and looked around the bridge, "Computer" he groaned, "where is everyone?"

"BZZZZ…On the planet surface of Andromeda…BZZZZ."

"Fine, she you later" Zaphod replied as he staggered onto the planet surface.

Quickly staggering Zaphod eventually found his companions in a giant ditch surrounded by the 8 foot tall wolves he was told them about. Zaphod took out a pair of binoculars and looked down at his companions checking them off in his head on some sort of imaginary check list. _Ford-check, whatshisname Dent-check, Trillian-check, her pretty daughter-check and the hammer check… _"Hammer!" he said to himself, "That's it!" Zaphod stealthy ran down towards his companions remaining out of sight.

"Where going to die" Arthur exclaimed.

"Shut up dad" Random replied.

"Where going to be a wolf's dinner" Arthur screamed.

"Shut up dad" Random said again.

"How we going to get out of this?" Trillian asked.

"No idea" said Ford "maybe if Zaphod appeared and grabbed that thing over there."

"What think?" Trillian asked.

"HAMMER!" _CLUNK! _

Zaphod had smashed the wolves out cold with the hammer that Ford had noticed.

"Hey guys!" Zaphod said smiling at Random.

"How the hell did you do that?" Ford exclaimed. They all looked towards the wolves as they fell and splatted in a giant green splodge, which seems alright except as the wolves hit the ground and splodge the giant green gunk goes flying all over our heroes like some sort of slimy tidal wave.

"Great" said Arthur sarcastically, "absolutely great."

"This isn't a very interesting adventure" Ford said ignoring Arthur completely, "what did you beam us aboard for Zaphod?"

"Bit bored" said Zaphod, "was just stealing deodorant randomly."

"Like the king Bedevere XIX of Snordalglaxia?" Trillian asked.

"Errmm... Yeh" Zaphod replied excitedly.

"Why don't we have breakfast?" Zaphod asked.

"Good idea" Trillian replied, "What do you fancy?"

"Bacon, Eggs and Sausage?" Arthur asked.

Zaphod looked to Random, Random looked to Trillian, Trillian, Trillian looked to Ford and Ford looked to Arthur.

"Na!" they said in unison and they hobbled back to the heart of gold dripping green splodge.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 **

_Eggs, Bacon and sausage are a traditional earth delicacy usually eaten at the beginning of the day. Even if you're fat, very fat, not so fat or thin, Humans all know bacon, sausage and eggs and strangely like it. Strangely however, this meal is also known as an English breakfast which was quite offensive as the inventor of this mind boggling meal was invented by an American. The English took on their name for this meal for reasons unknown; however you can guess it is because they wanted to take credit for something they didn't make. The great singer Elvis Presley was a big fan of bacon as he ate one in a giant sandwich of 700 bacon rashers, 100 spoonful's of jam and 79 jars of peanut butter, however nice this sandwich was Elvis forgot to take care about accidently putting poison on his sandwich and consequently died._

Arthur for once wasn't complaining, whinging, whining or being generally grumpy because at this moment he couldn't if he tried as he was too busy shoving forkfuls of English (technically American) breakfast. At this moment he was unaware of noise made by Ford, Trillian, Zaphod and Random. The noise Ford was making sounded like this: "AAARRRRGGGHHH!" the noise made by Trillian and Random sounded like this: "SHUT UP BOYS LET ME FLY THIS TIN CAN!" and the noise made Zaphod was this: "!"

The reason for the boys (apart from Arthur) panicking was that the space fighters of Snordalglaxia had found them and were currently shooting them. '_SLAP! SLAP!' _came from the bridge as it fell silent from screams as Random stood up and slapped the screaming men knocking them out. Arthur had just finished his technically American breakfast and entered the bridge; he looked down the two men unconscious on the floor.

"How the bloody hell did you slap those two out cold?" Arthur asked feeling very suspicious.

"Shut up Arthur we're under attack by the Snordalglaxians trying to take me back to Snordalglaxia" shouted Trillian.

"How we going to get out of this mum?" Random screamed.

Arthur rolled his eyes and again walked over to the manual improbability drive button and pressed it and again the drive activated and everyone passed out.

As the effects faded Arthur got up almost instantly, "Computer!" he said, "What happened to the fighters?"

"BZZZ…They turned into crippled pigeons…BZZZ"

Arthur realised he should have kept his mouth shut and began to walk slowly to his room stepping over Trillian, Zaphod, Ford and Random

"I need a lie down" he mumbled.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 **

You would expect by chapter 7 of a story you would that the story would have a plot. You would also expect that the writer knew exactly what the storyline is. Sadly at the moment of the writing I have very few ideas about what is going on, this is mainly because no a single person on the Heart of Gold has any idea what they are doing, this because Trillian and random has passed out due to the improbability drive effects and Zaphod and Ford have passed out due to Random's ferocious slapping. However even though I don't know what is happening at this moment I do have an idea that is very likely to happen because at the very moment that you are reading these words the Heart of Gold is crashing towards an unknown planet in a sort of loop the loop and slightly swirly style with a slight up and downy bit in the middle. As you can guess as intelligent readers that this is because Trillian and Random passed out before either of them could activate the auto-pilot.

Arthur woke up hanging from his feet on his coat hangers, "How the hell did I end up here!" he screamed. Trillian staggered into the room like a drunken drunk woman at the peak on his drunkenness at looked up at Arthur. "How the hell did you end up there Arthur?"

"I don't know!" he screamed, "JUST GET ME DOWN!"

"I will" Marvin moaned as he entered the room and shot the hanger with his laser causing Arthur to hit the floor head first.

"That hurt!" Arthur said.

"You asked us to help you down" Marvin groaned who was used to being complained at.

"I should have stayed up there and…" Arthur paused and looked around, "…why on earth is the ship upside down?"

"Because it crashed" Marvin answered.

"Why because of the computer activated the improbability drive?" Trillian asked, "I hate that computer."

"No" Marvin replied, "Because Arthur pressed the button activating the improbability drive."

Arthur looked cowardly to Trillian "Oh drat" he mumbled.

As you can imagine by the way that this story has been working when the blokes have been cowardly, Arthur of course, got a very hard slap and passed out. It is also quite surprising that Trillian is able to produce a slap hard enough to cause a person to pass out as a slap that hard is almost impossible to produce and how she learnt how to do it we shall never know. However you may be interested to know what happened to the crippled pigeon from the last chapter. Unfortunately the story isn't very interesting as it died as it was caught in the crash of the heart of gold and died with a loud squawk that sounded like 'SSSQQQUUAAAWWWWKKKK!'This in English means precisely 'Mummy!' and was the very noise that awoke Arthur after he was sent flying on to his coat hangers hanging by his feet. You may also like to note that the pigeon before his death had decided to name himself Gavin for the simple reason: he felt like it.

However in the more important matter that is that the crew of the heart of gold don't have clue that the King of Snordalglaxia is not (repeat not) interested in the return of his wife Trillian (as he has seven others) and is only sending ships after them because Zaphod had also sent Marvin to steal the king's prized deodorant. Though why the king has such interest in deodorant we will never know because his liking has nothing to do with a sensible decision of any kind whatsoever and Zaphod curiosity to find what will happen is the only reason he stole it in the first place. For first time readers of the guide, you must understand that the adventures of the guide are random and even the editor of the guide have absolutely no idea what they are putting in the guide most of the time, so the best thing to do if you don't understand is be completely baffled beyond belief and also to continue to read starting with the next chapter where the twenty Snordalglaxian ships have landed. They are now surrounding our heroes and pointing large pointy laser staff-sticky…_erm_… sticks (like the droid guards from star wars but a lot cooler.)


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 **

As I said last chapter Snordalglaxian guards with long spike laser stick-staffs surround our adventurers, but what you do not know is that the crew of the heart of gold still think they want Trillian and not their king's prized deodorant. Their leader approached from the ranks towards Arthur who had woken from his slap unconsciousness.

"Where is Zaphod Beeblebeebrox?"

Arthur looked very confused, "Who?"

"Him!" he said pointing to the two headed, three armed bloke emerging from the wreckage of the heart of gold.

"Oh Zaphod Beeblebrox" Arthur said as the penny dropped.

Zaphod staggered towards the leader, "Yo!" he mumbled as he tried to stand still, "If you leave us alone you can have _hick! _You can have the girl if you do not shove that stick up my backside"

Ford looked at Zaphod, "You've been drinking Zaphod"

"Na" he mumbled, "I when the ship crashed an open bottle fell open and the liquid's fell into my fat gob."

"What was it?" Arthur asked.

"Pan Galactic…_Hick..._Gargle Blaster!"

"Oh bloody hell" Ford mumbled to himself.

"We don't want the girl!" the guard asked, "The king has many more."

Suddenly Trillian was enraged; "The cheating, fat, ugly cowpat!" and she slapped the leader so hard he was sent unconscious flying into his guards.

"Run!" Ford screamed and all our heroes scampered through the gap created into the nearby woods where the heart of gold from an alternative reality which the boarded and escaped while the Trillian, Ford, Zaphod, Arthur and Marvin from an alternative reality caught up with the guards and they loped their heads off with their sticky-staffs.

Sadly, this instalment has ended but the story of the guide hasn't. The rest of the story is just as interesting, random and very cool but before the instalment ends there is a one thing that needs to be wrapped up. Gavin the pigeon from the alternate reality came through to our universe and became a well-known crime fighter. 'Why do you tell us this?' I hear you ask, and the answer is that he will become a character of great importance to our heroes, but that is another story.


End file.
